Essence

Having a bit of a mixed day. I’m keen to get some more writing done tonight and I think I need some Evanescence to see me through. Fallen and The Open Door should jumble me up some more.

I mentioned way back at the beginning of my blog – in the rant about book covers – that I was a bit of a Goth back in my younger days. Amy Lee and I are old friends. In a similar way to my rediscovery of Linkin Park, I hear so many different things in the lyrics now than I did when I had less life experience. I mentally tag songs to different people or feelings, and right now I need some angst to get this next scene finished. Music is a great motivator for me. If you were following my tweets during November you’d have seen a few music-related ones. The best music I’ve found to write to so far has been banjo bluegrass hillbilly music. I mentally try to keep up with the banjo 🙂

So here’s Lose Control, lumped together with Everybody’s Fool, my current Lyon songs. If you blend them together with a little Going Under for the days I really hate myself, it sort of sums it up. I feel a little zen drawing on that tumult right now, possibly just because he’s very far away, but last night – this morning if we’re being technical – I made myself another, under the wire, Resolution. I’m going to give not being so flipping angry a go. I might not seem like a particularly angry or anxious person on the surface, but given my propensity to ragequit when anyone uses the cheese knife for anything other than cheese and/or NOT use a cheese knife for cheese when there’s one right there… *cough* you see? Chalk it up to national identity if you like. I’m also filled with road rage. I fair turn the air in my little car blue sometimes. It’d make a sailor blush. Not that I know any bad words. I’m a lady. I digress…

Whisper is sort of an in-joke to me right now. It wouldn’t make sense if I explained it, and it’s a bit close to the bone. It makes me laugh in an otherwise-the-crying way. Similarly Imaginary. I heard someone playing Imaginary on the piano in the basement of my halls of residence back in 2006. It is one of my best memories.

My Last Breath really fits the book at the moment – it’s Christmas Eve and the action is in a parkland type area – and it’s quite a desperate time. That’s definitely going in there.

I should get all the lyrics and make one huge “essence of Evanescence” song that explodes into the tear ducts and cries havoc with the uncontrollable feels.

I’m already looking ahead to when the draft will be done and I can edit the beast. I have some things earmarked for change or deletion already and I’m itching to get to it but I know I need to get this thing to a conclusion or it will never have one. It’s an old project – my first NaNoWriMo – that I started in 2009, and I’ve decided it’s called Once Bitten possibly with a pretentious ellipsis as well. It depends how buoyant I’m feeling.

Anyway, it’s very YA but it represented an interesting time in my life and now it’s sort of cycling around again. I’m still facing some of the same problems and some of the same worries, and getting back into the protagonist’s zone isn’t very difficult, but I’m a little afraid my current feeling of disillusionment will rub off too much.

Ha, I actually got distracted making an Ubernescence song. If only there was a tune that all of these phrases would fit to:

Closing your eyes to disappear
You pray your dreams will leave you here
But still you wake and know the truth
No one’s there

Say goodnight
Don’t be afraid
Calling me, calling me
As you fade to black

Let me stay
Where the wind will whisper to me
Where the raindrops
As they’re falling tell a story

In my field of paper flowers
And candy clouds of lullaby
I lie inside myself for hours
And watch my purple sky fly over me

Catch me as I fall
Say you’re here and it’s all over now
Speaking to the atmosphere
No one’s here and I fall into myself

This truth drives me into madness
I know I can stop the pain
If I will it all away
If I will it all away

Blurring and stirring the truth and the lies
So, I don’t know what’s real and what’s not
Always confusing the thoughts in my head
So I can’t trust myself anymore

I’m dying again, I’m going under
Drowning in you, I’m falling forever
I’ve got to break through

You don’t remember my name
I don’t really care
Can we play the game your way?
Can I really lose control?

Just once in my life
I think it’d be nice
(Just to lose control, just once)
With all the pretty flowers in the dust

Without the mask
Where will you hide?
Can’t find yourself
Lost in your lie

I know the truth now
I know who you are

Guess it wasn’t real after all
Guess it wasn’t real all along

If I fall and all is lost
It’s where I belong

 Til next time, kiddos.

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